


Delete me

by deep_one



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Blood, Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/M, Killing, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Romance, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-07-06 14:58:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15888375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deep_one/pseuds/deep_one
Summary: 2 years after the War with the Reapers.Devastated after the war, James Vega became a gang member. He kills, tortures and doesn't want to face his mental problems. Will meeting Shepard after a long time help him be a better person? Or perhaps she is as broken as he is?





	1. Tenebris

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!
> 
> This is rather dark story but I hope you'll like it! I intended to write something fresh, with new events because we all know this game backwards and forwards ;)
> 
> WARNING:  
> English isn't my mother tongue and every mistake is my own. I treat this fanfiction as a way to improve my English. I appreciate pointing out my errors.

Earth, 2 years after the War with the Reapers

The small room in the basement of the Nest looked like never cleaned. Every piece of furniture was dirty and sticky and nobody remembers the original colour of the dark, stained sheets which covered a tiny bed stuffed in the corner. The room had to windows and besides small bedside lamp was plunged into darkness.

The place seemed deserted but clever eyes would be able to see a bulky silhouette sitting on the floor, hidden in the shadow. His back was touching the wall and knees were close to his broad chest. The man was lost in his thought, a grim grimace on his face. The small lamp was reflecting its light in the sharp knife which he was gripping in his right hand. The weapon looked expensive - the haft was silver and the blade shone brightly despite the regular using. After a moment, the man's hand shivered slightly and he blinked several times as if waking from a deep dream. Then, slowly, he looked at the knife in his hand and lifted it to his eye level. He saw dimly that the blade still has the ramaining of blood, near the haft. The man looked like he was contemplating this fact, head full of memories but nobody could tell if they were sad or... happy. 

A deep sigh escaped his lips and he stopped staring at the weapon, lowering it and touching its blade to his left wrist instead. In the dim light, he was barely able to see his purple veins, yet he was touching them with the blade, moving toward the inside of his elbow. 

\- "It would be so quick" - the man thought. A little more pressure and the thin skin on his forearm would open, causing streams of blood flow freely. 

\- "Would my blood be as warm as my victims' are? Would it smell the same?" - he contemplated.

Oh, it would be so easy to end his life righ now, right where he was sitting. It would stop the pain and guilt, erase all bad memories and negative emotions. He would be dead after a few, quick moments. Does the man really want it?

\- "No!" - he cried out in his head. 

No, indeed. Death means nothingness, oblivion. But he needs the adrenaline, needs the excitation. That's why he keeps killing, that's why he keeps hanging around with _them _. It makes him feel like he can still feel something, that he isn't some kind of zombie. It makes him feel like his old self, full of life and energy. It helps him to remember that the old James Vega, bold and cheeky, is still deep inside him.__

____

____

With a loud growl, he broke his sinister thoughts, angry at himself and his stupid mind.

\- "I lost too much time sitting in this fucking shithole." - James berated himself.

He stood, hiding the knife behind his belt, not caring to clean himself from the dirt and dust from the floor. Then, he opened his omnitool to check his next commission.

\- "Drell, huh. Piece of piss" - he thought.

Turning the light out, he cast one last glance at the room and left, deliberately walking slowly.

"- A few minutes more of your pathetic life - consider it as a gift, you green son of a bitch" - he thought with a evil smirk on his face.


	2. Thirsty

Omega, Afterlife

James was sipping his drink, wincing when the strong alcohol touched his throat. Loud music was filling his ears, helping him tune out bad thoughts and focus on the task.

He located his target the moment he entered the club. Only one Drell among bunch of bodies crowded on the dance floor. Vega squeezed through the crowd and sat at a single table on the darkness corner. He ordered the strongest drink and started keeping his eyes on his victim, laughing quietly at his clumsy moves.

\- "Have fun till you can" - James thought with a smirk on his lips.

He sometimes had trouble keeping his eyes from the strippers on the stage. 

\- "Man, they are hiring the finest asses" - James thought, staring at a human dancer. 

He wonder how her skin feels like. Is it soft? How would it taste under his tongue? Vega suddenly realised that he doesn't even remember the last time he had a woman in his bed. A real woman, not some cheap whore. The last time must had been during war, on the Normandy...

There were little nice things is his life now - all he was surrounded by involves violence, blood, killing and pushing his problems and feelings aside. He forgot how it feels to make love with a woman, how to kiss with stomach full of butterflies and be tender. His hands became used to beating his victims and killing without remorse, not touching the soft women's skin. His lips became used to swearing and carrying cruel smirks, not whispering sweet compliments. That's what he'd become.  

James shook his head rapidly as if getting rid of the dark thoughts and turned his eyes from the stripper toward the dancing crowd. He didn't see the Drell anymore.

\- "Fuck! Pull yourself together, you fucker!  - Vega muttered with fury, searching for his target. He saw something green heading toward the way out. 

\- "There you are" - James thought standing and following the Drell, his hands in his pockets. 

Vega let the Drell leave the Afterlife, shadowing him, but as soon as he turned toward the first alley, James attacked him. He put his right hand painfully on the Drell's neck and pushed him brutally into the first building, opening the door with the victim's head. The Drell didn't even have time to scream. He soon found himself on the floor of the deserted building which looked like old warehouse. His neck and head was throbbing from the pain.

James quickly pulled his M-6 Kat out from the inside of his jacket, aimed and shot the Drell's knee. His victim screamed at the top of his lungs, holding his injured leg. Vega only smiled savagely - he knew this place can hurt like fucking hell and that's exactly why he chose it. He completly ignored the Drell's screams and the pool of blood slowly forming around him. He started circle around the Drell like a predator around its prey.

\- "What the fuck human! Do you know who you messed with?" - the Drell moaned with teeth clenched from the pain.

\- "Shut your ugly mug, pendejo. I don't need to know the history of your pathetic life to kill you. Madson doesn't pay me for talking with you." - James replied, looking impatiently at the the Drell on the floor.

\- "M-Madson? - stumbled the Drell. - "You are from the Mortem, human? I-I didn't do anything wrong to them, I swear!"

\- "I don't give a fuck what you did or didn't do. You could stole his drugs, killed his mummy or just sucked his cock poorly - not care a damn. My job is to silent your green map forever." - snapped James, still holding his gun.

"You can't decide on your own, then!" - shouted the Drell. - "You can't decide what is good or bad, damn it! You need someone else to tell you what to do! You are just a man for dirty jobs in that miserable gang of yours. A fucking Hyena! Aaa!" - James kicked him brutally on his injured leg, causing more blood leak from the wound. Crouching, he gripped the Drell's head painfully in his palm and pulled him to his eye level. The gun in his other hand was pressed tightly to his victim's head.

\- "No, no, no! Please, I"ll do whatever you want me to! Please, just let me live!" - the Drell's eyes were full of dread. -"I-I've stolen one of Madson's slaves, that's all! It was a female human, an innocent, young blonde. She didn't deserve to be sold. You - I can give her back to Madson! Or you can take her - you can do whatever you want with her, I'm sure you would like her!"

James looked him square in the eye, holding his gaze for a long moment. He was savouring it - the Drell's life was in his hands, he was the master of this poor alien fate. Vega inhaled deeply, relishing the smell of fear and dread. The adrenaline was pumping through his veins, his heart was beating fast and he loved it. He was feeling alive, his problems forgotten. Nothing mattered at this moment - only his sense of power and control.

Slowly, he put his gun down, freeing his target's head from the tight grip. He stood and move behind the Drell who started breathing a little more calmly but didn't dare to turn his head and see what his aggressor was planning. Before he had time to say a word, James pulled his silver knife out and jumped on the Drell. In a second he put the weapon on the poor guy's neck and slit his throat. Horrible sounds were coming from the Drell's mouth as he was choking and bleeding to death. Vega was holding his head, cruelty visible on his face, till the Drell stopped moving, his eyes dead, blood on his mouth, his torso, everywhere. With disgust, James pushed the body aside not looking at his dead victim. Then, he stood and hid his knife and M-6 Kat, not bothering to clean them. He felt the warm, wet feeling on his hands and saw that they were covered in blood. He was watching them for a long moment with inscrutable expression on his face before cleaning them carelessly with his black trousers.

Leaving the body in the warehouse, not bothering to do anything with it, Vega left the bulding. The alley was deserted, no one was watching him as he opened his omnitool and simply typed: "Done".

Hiding his hands in pockets and putting his hood on, James started heading toward Afterlife once again. A big, strong drink will be a nice reward for well done job, right?...


	3. Colourless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every event on Earth happens in the same city but I deliberately don't reveal the name of it. You can choose whatever you want.

Earth

During his free day, James was wandering around the dark alleys. Dirty and stinky, but so quiet. Normally, he'd avoid such still places, prefering the company of loud music to tune out his feelings, but today he needed to be alone. The anger inside him... was burning his body. James could feel it spreading in his veins like some poison or potent drug. He was afraid he would hurt someone if some unaware guy get in his way. That's why he prefered to stay out of the picture today.

Rage and fury... James didn't know where these feelings come from. He only knew that when they come up, like a wave flooding his chest, nobody was safe around him. He was dangerous even to himself. And the fact that his rage attacks usually start without warning didn't help too. He was trying so hard to prevent it but... well, let's just say that it's easier said than done. Right now, calming and quieting his mind were the only thing which seemed to bring any help.

Breathing hard, his hands shaking, Vega stopped his feet from walking any further and rested his back on the wall. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. Beads of sweat were flowing down his body. He wanted to destroy something, lace into somebody. Beat, kick and scream until his body is exausted. But he had some sanity left to know that it isn't the right thing to do. 

When James thought the worst is behind him, only the numb feeling in his head left, he opened his eyes. Then, he heard something. Is it a hallucination? No, his military trained hearing couldn't be tricking him. Turning his head to the sound source, he saw two people in the alley, not far away from him. Before Vega had time to react, one of them fell down on the ground with a thud, not moving. The second one with feminine figure hid something in her pocket, opened an omnitool and turned on her heel, leaving the body.

-"Hey!" - shouted James. Daylight robbery? What is she thinking?

-"Hey, stop!" - Vega started following her when she showed no sign of stopping. 

Running after mysterious murderess, James saw that she didn't try to escape. She was just walking slowly with defiantly raised head, not giving a damn about his shouting. She seemed to be unconcerned with what she'd done.

Suddenly, she halted. Vega, not more that a few meters behind, stopped as well, carefully watching her. 

"What the hell?" - thought James, a little breathless after running. 

He saw she had black hair which didn't quite reach her shoulders. Black pants and loose grey shirt weren't fully able to properly hide her athletic body. She was just standing there with her back to James, as if lost in thought. Then, without warning, she slightly turned her head, giving him the view of the left side of her face.

Christ... Those scars... Scars he'd spent so long staring at, contemplating the mystery of them. Scars he'd found so beautiful on her. Scars he'd relentlessly dreamed of touching and wondering if this gives her pleasure... Suddenly James recalled it all. And the ecstasy he'd felt when she'd finally let him run his tongue on them...

Heart ramming in his chest when the feelings and memories flooded him,  James saw that the scars weren't glowing anymore. They weren't red and bright like lava. Her scars healed... They were white now, still visible but less noticeable - less inhuman.

Shepard... That was all Vega could think right now. Nothing mattered anymore - his new, brutal way of earning money, his anger, his problems. Only the fact that she was here. Defiant and full of life, as always. Daring him and waiting what he'd do. But James didn't know what to do. So much feelings were swirling in his body. It was too much. He didn't even know what to think.

-"Shepard..." - James hesitantly said.

Hearing his voice, voice which used to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, she slowly turned around, giving him full view of her face and body. Her lips were parted and she looked him straight in the eye in open, bold way. She was trying so hard to make her face look emotionless but despite her efforts her eyes betrayed her feelings: uncertainty, nostalgia, longing and dread.

Shepard hadn't changed much. Her hair were slightly longer, face brighter. She looked almost... rested. Dark circles under her eyes had disappeared. But something wasn't fully right. Something about her made James think that although her body had healed, her head... not quite.

Snapping out of his petrified state, Vega came up to Shepard in three big steps, looking only at her. Following his instinct, he gently raised his shaking hand and put it on her left cheek, covering her scars. James didn't care if she'd punch him or yell at him. He had to feel her, touch her. 

Looking into her eyes, his eyebrows slightly raised, Vega waited for her reaction. But Shepard was only staring back, confused. Then, she smirked, showing him her teeth.

\- "You forgot about me?" - she said provocatively. Vega had almost forgot her attitude, her mouthy way of being. During their times on the Normandy, Shepard had always played with him, teased him. She'd been driving him crazy. And the fact that he hadn't known what she really think about him was a nail to his coffin.

Swallowing hard, still keeping his hand on her cheek and caressing her scars, Vega gasped out:

-"I... Fuck, Jane. You and your damn sense of timing. You always appear in good time to mess with my life." - James confessed playfully.

-"Oh, shut up, I know you fucking missed me." - Shepard said with mischievous sparks in her eyes. 

Jane was so glad he didn't start their conversation with "How you've been?" or "What have you been up to?". She was unprepared for this. She was unprepared to tell him what had happened with her or what she'd felt after the war. She wasn't ready to talk about her feelings - never was good at this and prefered to keep them bottled up inside.

-"Hell, I did." 

That was true. During his better days, when he had some courage to think about the war and his time on the Normandy, he let his thoughts flow freely. And they were constantly flowing to the image of Shepard, still bright in his head. To the times they spent togeher on this ship. God... he really missed her. Her deep voice, her commands, her cheeky remarks, her touch... He would never thought that living without Shepard will be so difficult. So... colourless.

-"But Shepard... what the fuck? You killed this man." - Vega said, turning his head around to see the dead body still laying on the ground. The small, round hole was visible on the back of the man's head.

-"That's what you do now? Kill people in the shitty alleys during the day? What the hell happened to you Jane?" - James muttered, oblivious to how hypocritically he sounded.

Shepard pushed his hand away angrily and shoved him hard. Smirk disappeared from her face replaced by scowl, anger visible in her eyes. 

-"You dare to fucking judge me, Vega? Who the hell you think you are? My shrink? Answer me!" - she made three steps toward him and shoved him again, more painfully this time, making him stumble despite his weight. 

James didn't have answer for that. He regreted making her furious. Although he remember how quick to anger she was, he couldn't stop himself from asking about her action. She tended to be ruthless and vicious, especially during war, but this...? This looked like a goddamn execution. Vega could only pray that the poor guy done something bad and deserved it.

-"You better shut your mouth before you say something that piss me off even more." - she threatened slowly in low, deep voice. 

Hearing that, James put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her against the wall, hard. Shepard felt the pressure of his body against hers. Struggling to break free, she tried to scare him off with the power od her scowl. But Vega only smirked and put his lips on her neck, making her gasp.

-"So much anger. That's all you've got for me after all this time?" - James said, brushing her soft neck with his lips. Shepard, catched off guard, felt as her rage was slowly melting away, replaced by pleasure.

-"Try to be nicer. I know you can." - Stepping back slightly, James looked at her face with grin on his face. He saw his trick left her breathless, her cheeks flushed. Then, Vega leaned over Shepard and said boldly:

-"So, what about you come to my place and describe me nicely all your recent heroics? I'm sure a lot passed me by." - He said with a wink.

Hearing his words, Shepard smirked and lifted her eyebrow. Although it was great to be so close to him again, she dived under his elbow and started walking away, her face inscrutable.

-"See you soon, then" - she simply replied, putting her hands in her pockets.

-"You don't even know where I live now." - Vega remarked throwing up his hands. 

Shepard casted him one challenging smile and disappeared behind the corner.


	4. The power of his doubts

-"Interrogation came off"? - bald, tattooed man was sitting nonchalantly on expensive looking sofa in the main room of the Nest. With cigarette between his teath and glass of whiskey in hand he was watching James carefully who was standing before him.

-"Yep. You were right, jefe. They keep the red sand in old Blue Suns' base, on Sanctum in Sigurd's Cradle. Before his death, our poor batarian squeaked everything. As far as I found out, our boys won't be having any problems with breaking in. Easy as fuck." - James replied confidently.

\- "Not that I mind but you really bothered killing him?"

\- "There wasn't much left of him after my interrogation. Besides, my job was to screw the intel out of him - and I done it my way."

-"That's right, Vega. That's what you do. That's what you are the best at. At killing. At gaining information." - bald man said and took a drag off a cigarette. With a mouth full of smoke he continued:

-"That strenghtens you, makes you powerful and useful. You can feel it, right? The energy flowing to you after every kill? The adrenaline in your veins?" - He pointed at James with his cigarette.  

-"Oh yeah. I know you like it. I know you need it."

He stood, still holding his cig and came up to Vega, standing only inches from him.

-"And who gives you this? This power? Tell me." 

Without hesitation, looking his boss confidently in the eye, James replied:

-"You, Madson"

'"Exactly. Sticking with me is the best for you. You are the best version of yourself now - the strongest, the most powerful, the most useful. Remember that, Vega." - Madson said holding James gaze and offered him his cigarette. Vega accepted it and slowly took a drag. He knew that accepting Madson's smoke was like agreeing with his words. But he didn't want to think about it now. He didn't want to think if hanging around with Madson was good or bad for him. He only knew that he gives him an ability to still feel something and to have a control over his own life. And that was enough for now.

Pleased, Madson turned around and sat on his sofa again, putting his legs on a table before him.

-"You wanna join our gathering tonigh? We gonna discuss some important business. The future of the gang."

-"No. I don't give a shit about political stuff. I'm here for doing your dirty work and as long as you pay me, that suits me just fine. Besides my next commission, I don't need to know anything more."

-"Fine. I'll contact you soon." - Madson said when James put his hood on and slowly started heading toward the exit of the gang headquarters.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking quickly into his house, Vega could only think about one person - Shepard. He couldn't believe she was really here, on Earth. 

Meeting her again was a shock to him. He couldn't understand why he hadn't done more to track her down after the war. He'd heard rumors that she'd disappeared and no one could find her. Back then, he'd thought she'd deserved her freedom and no one had the right to interfere with her life. He understood it damn well. Besides, he'd been devastated after the war and couldn't put his own shit together let alone somebody's else. So he'd burried his grief, his mental exhaustion, his trauma...even his feelings for her. He'd burried them deep inside of his heart.

But now... after two years Shepard was back in his life. And James was so happy and so terrified. Happy to be close to her again. Happy for the opportunity to finally remind himself what touching her feel like. Happy to see the power of her personality again. His feelings for her didn't fade away and he was damn sure he will do everything to not let her disappear from his life again. 

But James was also so scared... so scared that her presence will release his carefully burried problems. So scared that his mess will crush him and he won't be able to live anymore. He was even scared that, perhaps, he didn't deserve to be happy again. That he didn't deserve her.

With head full of thoughts, James neared his house. With his hands in pockets no one would be able to see how tightly he clenched his fists in the hope to see her tonight.


	5. Painful

The sun was just going down when James heard his door open. He frowned - he was sure he'd locked them when he'd returned from the Nest. Closing his omnitool, he stood up nervously and raced toward the entrance of his house. What he saw made his heart jump with joy - Shepard. She was entering his house as though it was her own, without any constraint or embarrassment. She didn't even bother to knock. But James wasn't angry at her rude behaviour. Hell, he didn't even want to know how she managed to find him here. That was Shepard after all - nothing could stop her. 

She seemingly looked bored, but James who knew her for so much time was able to see the light smile on her face which she tried to hide at all costs. Locking his door, Shepard cast him a mysterious glance and then, without even saying hello, she sprang out at him.

Pressing his strong body against the wall, Shepard waisted no time and immediately started kissing him. She was ravenous, her kisses greedy as though she wanted to make up the time she'd spent away from him in one go. She was kissing him fast, with open mouth, pressing her body tight against his. 

Her hands were everywhere - on his face, on his broad shoulders, on his chest.  Shepard wanted to feel him all, recall the feeling of his hard muscles under her touch. She put her hands where she reached, pressing his body tighter against hers and pulling his shirt. When she finally touched his hard abs under his clothes she moaned loudly into his mouth.

James was absolutely dazed. To feel her lips on his own, her warm body so close to him... he'd forgotten how fucking good it felt. He couldn't stop himself - feeling her tongue deep in his mouth, he started kissing her as well with passion. Loud moans escaped his mouth but Vega couldn't contain them and didn't really care. He wanted her to know how delightful he felt, how blissful it was to have her in his arms again. God... he really didn't feel like that for a really long time and it was intoxicating. 

Shepard traced her hands on his chest, touching his nipples, his navel, his hard stomach. She didn't stop kissing him even for second as though she feared he'd disappear if she let him go. Then, her hand found his pants and she started struggling with his belt. After unbuckling it, Shepard put her hand deep into his pants and without hesitation clenched it around his cock.

James' head was spinning from too much emotions. Because of her, his whole body was on fire, sweat trickled down his back from the burning arousal. But suddenly an unpleasant thought appeared in his head - fear that she doesn't really care about him, that it is all about sex, nothing more. He feared that after satisfying her needs she will leave his house never to return to him. Vega wouldn't be able to live with that - with the thought that he had her, held her in his arms and then let her go. He promised himself he'll do everything to not let her disappear again, as she'd done after the war. He had to talk with her.

-"J-Jane..." - James tried to say something between her greedy kisses, struggling with her hand in his pants.

-"Jane... stop!" - Vega shouted, pushing her gently away from him.

She looked at him questioningly, irritation visible on her face. Her lips were swollen from the intense kissing, her hair disheveled.

-"What's up Vega? Got cold feet? Or did you forget how to fuck!" - she spat with contempt, glaring at him with aggravation.

-"What? No! I just... It's not what I want right now".

-"It's not what you want?" - Shepard laughed with disbelief. -"So why the fuck did you invited me here? To have a cute little chat about old times? I thought your intentions were clear!"

-"Maybe I think about something more than your hands in my pants? Maybe I want to know how are you coping? Have you ever considered that?" - James felt his agitation increasing. After all this time, after all they'd been through, that's all she's got for him? A quick sex?

-"Since when you you are so moral, Vega? I seem to remember your incessant attempts to get me laid on the Normandy. You couldn't take your eyes off me. You think I didn't notice that? You were hard every time you saw me." - Shepard said with evil smile on her face, stepping dangerously close to him.

-"It wasn't like that Shepard and you know it!" - James exclaimed with clenched fists, barely holding his anger. His range were spreading quickly in his body despite his attempts to keep his head cool.

-"I cared about you! Why the hell are trying to wrong me?!"

His face was terrifying - wide, dreadful eyes, frantic look, red cheeks... 

-"I don't..." - Shepard said, slightly uneasy.

-"Don't fucking lie to me!" - after saying these words, Vega lost his temper. Rage seized his mind and he was no longer himself. Before he realised what he's doing, his fist landed on Shepard's cheek, bringing her down. 

The sight of her on the floor, with hand on her wounded cheek was so shocking to James that he immediately came to his senses. With terror in his eyes, not wanting to look at Shepard and see what he done to her, Vega left the hall and started running toward his bedroom. Slamming the door, he threw himself on the bed and hid his face in his hands.

His whole body was shaking from the remaining of the rage attack and the horror of his deed. God... anyone... it could be anyone but not his Jane... he would never forgive himself hurting Jane... but he did it. He did it and left her there, on the floor, without even checking if she's ok. But James wasn't able to look into her eyes and see hatred there. _Disgust _. It would destroy whatever is left of him.__

__

__What the hell is happening with him? This anger... he couldn't control it, it was stronger than him. Vega had no idea why he reacted like that - he knew her after all, he knew how she is like, her attitude. Maybe the thought of her using him to her own ends made him react like that... maybe the thought of her not caring about him...or maybe this is what he'd become - a brute who can only kill and inflict pain._ _

____

____

Lost in his grief, James didn't hear Shepard quickly entering his room. Only when she sat on his lap he opened his eyes and lifted his head, absolutely suprised. Despite the darkness in his room Vega saw her swollen, purple cheek and a few drops of blood there. His heart clenched painfully with guilt. But Shepard seemed to not care about the wound. She was just staring at him intensely, not saying a word. Then, she leaned over him and whispered into his ear, her voice low:

-"I knew you like it rough but this... is a lot more fun..."

A cold shiver ran through his back, chilling his blood. He didn't understand her. She sounded so... sick. Moving her head in order to look at her face steadily, he said:

-"Shepard. What are you saying? You're suppose to hate me, want nothing to do with me. What I've done to you..."

Hearing that Shepard tried to look away but James didn't let her, holding her face in both hands, still laying on his bed. Looking at her, he said:

-"I'll make it easy for you. Just say I never mattered, that I was only good for sex to you. It'll be less painful for both of us. No more pretending. Just say it and leave."

Shepard stared at him, her lips parted, deep in thought. Suddenly, she seemed so vulnerable, so small on his lap. She looked like someone who needed help, badly. Vega could swear he even saw guilt on her face for a quick moment.

Standing up from his lap and slowly turning around toward the door, she said in sad, quiet voice:

-"I'm fucked up but I swear, I'm trying" 

After saying it, she left his bedroom. Whether she only left his room or his entire life, Vega didn't know.


	6. Everything for her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, sorry guys. It took me longer than I thought.

Time blurred and James had no idea how long he'd been laying on his bed, his whole body limp. He could only feel how horrible nothingness slowly consumed him, his brain devoid of any thought. Slow, steady rhythm of his breathing was the only sign that he lived at all. 

He wanted to feel something. Anything. Even his burning anger. Anything to escape this terrible state. 

Slowly, a thought started forming in his head. A small, intrusive thought:

"It's not the first time you feel like that."

Yes, indeed. After the war, James had felt like that almost every day. When the celebrating with the crew had finished and the daily life had come, he had found out he doesn't know how to live normally. War was everything he knew, war was the only thing he was good at - at least that's what he thought. But war also left him physically and especially mentally exhausted. Seeing so much death, pain and lost left a serious mark on him. Rather than be happy of being alive and surviving the extinction, rather than getting his life right, Vega started spending more and more time in his new house, locked in bedroom. He didn't know why he wasn't able to be happy. Everything was right again after all. Reapers were gone. So why did he have problems with getting up at the morning? Why he didn't see a point of moving his ass and do something? Why did he feel only emptiness?

So in order to escape these crippling states of torpor James had to find something which could bring joy to his life again. Something which could help him feel anything again. But Vega wasn't able to find it in ordinary life. There’s not enough excitement nor adrenalin in everyday life compared to what he needed and had gotten used to.

So James found it in other places...

 

And now, Vega didn't know how long he would be laying on his bed if the bipping of his omnitool didn't wake him. Slowly, he opened it and see a message from Madson - his boss sent him a new commission. And it made James spring out of the bed, his heart finally beating faster.

"About the bloody time" - Vega thought, feeling a big relief and excitement of finally doing something important. It'll help him feel better, for sure.

Before he started packing his usual gear, he saw a light in the kitchen seeping through the door. Suprised, James slowly headed there, trying not to make any noise. And he saw Shepard sitting at his kitchen table with her back to him, curled up on the chair, her legs close to her chest.

"How long have she been sitting here?" - James wondered curiously.

Carefully, not wanting to scare her off, he sat opposite her. Shepard didn't bother to look at him - she only clenched her legs more tightly to her chest. An uncomfortable silence developed between them and Vega felt the pressure to say something. 

-"Jane. I think we need to talk." - He started quietly.

No response. Shepard only gave him a quick shrug. 

But that didn't discourage him. He couldn't let her close up. He couldn't let her hide in her shell. They have to try to talk normally again or he will loose her forever.

-"Maybe we can start from the beginning  huh? We haven't seen each other for a couple of years. You haven't changed much, you know? I mean, physically. You're still so pretty..." - James smiled lightly. - "But that's not what I want to talk with you. It's been two years Shepard. Care to tell me what happened with you during this time?"

\- "Fuck off." - she snapped, her voice barely louder than whisper. 

\- "All right. I see - you don't want to talk about it." 

Feeling sad because of her reaction, James was thinking for a while and then said:

\- "It's because what I did to you. It's because I hit you, isn't it? Just say it."

Shepard finally moved - she put her legs on the floor and sighed heavily. She wasn't able to delay this conversation much longer. So she rubbed the scars on her face and said with irritation in her voice:

-"No, it's not about your fucking rage attack. Though, I see you have a problem with it and I don't know what caused it."

\- "So why you don't want to talk with me?" - James said, deliberately avoiding talking about his anger.

\- "I want to... It's just... I don't want to talk about my past, ok?" - she sounded nervously.

\- "So let's talk about here and now." - Vega said and stood up. He opened the cupboard and found two glasses there and some old whiskey. Perfect.

\- "What do you do for a living now? And who was this guy you killed in that alley? Some old business?" - James asked her, pouring them a healthy dose of alcohol.

Shepard emptied her glass in one go and reached her hand for refill. Then she said, her tone careless as though she was bored:

\- "He was a scum. And my job now is to get rid of people like him. I'm a mercenary. Sort of. People pay me for elimination defective specimen."

\- "Interesting. It sounds like you followed Garrus' example - I knew that deep inside you, you found his gig on Omega useful despite your jeering at his good heart. Looks like you found some goodness as well." 

\- "Ease down, man. I'm still the same rude bitch. Nothing changed so you better don't fuck me off." - despite her sharp tone, there was a note of amusement in her voice.

\- "But... I just thought it would be good to use my talents and abilities in... hmm... better way? For better purpose? I don't know." - it sounded like the thought of her doing something good for other people almost stuck in her throat. Like she had trouble admitting that there is still some kindness left in her.

\- "But you could still do some good in the Alliance. I heard you quit. That's true?" - Vega asked her, sipping his whiskey.

\- "Nah. I'm just having a break of it all."

\- "How so?"

She droped her gaze, suddenly very tensed.

\- "Too much memories." - She only managed to reply, taking a big gulp of whiskey.

For a long moment, she was staring at the space before her, lost in thoughts. 

\- "But what about you? How many hot ladies did you score?" 

\- "Ah, you know, I stopped playing at it long ago." - James replied and pretended he doesn't see her waiting for the rest of the story. How foolish of him was to expect that she won't ask about his new life after she shared hers.

\- "So what do you do? Tell me finally." - Shepard rushed him impatiently.

\- "Nothing special, Jane. This and that. You know how it is." 

Vega naively thought she will drop the subject. He was trying hard to make his words sound insignificantly. But Shepard immediately understood he isn't telling her everything.

\- "You think I buy it? Clearly you're hiding something. You started working as an pimp or what?" - she quickly asked, impatience in her voice.

\- "Jeez Shepard, no! Stop grilling me, ok? It's for your own good, trust me."

\- "Since when you know what's good for me, huh? Besides, I can take care of myself, thank you very much."

When she saw he was in no hurry to tell her anything more, she sighed and said:

\- "Don't think I won't get to the truth. If you don't tell me, someone else will."

\- "Just stay away from it, ok? It's not your business. I care about you too much to let you be involved in it." - scare was heard in his voice. Scare that his new job get her into trouble. 

Shepard crossed her arms, irritation on her face. Before she managed to say anything more, James confessed:

\- "Fuck Shepard. I look at you, and I just... I just care about you so much, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you." 

His confession made him ashamed, his cheeks red. He didn't plan to say something like that. But his words couldn't be taken back. Now he could only wait for Shepard's reaction.

But his last sentence alerted her and she wasn't able to focus on the importance of his confession. It was obvious it had a hidden agenda, it was obvious that he didn't say everything. 

\- "What are you talking about? What exactly you would do for me James?"

But Vega didn't want to say anything more. He was avoiding her gaze, cursing his fucking mouth for saying something like time. He said too much.

"She can't know. She can't." - Vega thought, squirming nervously on his chair.

\- "James? James, talk to me. Tell me what you had in mind? You...? You would do something terrible for me, is that what you meant?" - Shepard said, doing everything to draw his attention again. She was persistent to not let him put her off.

\- "It has something to do with with your new... way of living. Don't deny it!" - Shepard exclaimed when she saw him shaking his head and opening his mouth. - "I know I'm right. I know you too damn well to not see it in your eyes James."

Shepard put her hands on the table and looked him intensely in the eyes. Her face was stern, her brain working quickly. Then she said in low, firm voice:

\- "You're in trouble."

\- "I'm not! It was my choice! I chose how I want to live!" - Vega shouted, clenching his fists. 

\- "And yet you don't look happy. You don't look good. Listen, I could keep you safe, they're all afraid of me. People say that I'm heartless. Loony Commander Shepard. They all think I'm insane. That the war made me deranged." - After a moment she added: - "They know nothing."

\- "Stop it. Just stop it. I don't need any help. I don't _want _any help." - Vega responded, closing his eyes as if afraid she would read the truth there.__

____

____

\- "Why? James, you...

Losing his patience, Vega blurted out without thinking:

\- "If I told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me with affection in your eyes? Would you still care?"

He was waiting for her answer but Shepard was just staring at him with open mouth, not saying a word. Her expression showed that she was confused, thinking quickly and trying to understand the meaning and truthfulness of his words. But the longer she remained silent the quicker James started to think that she was impervious to his question. That she didn't give a fuck about his feelings. Finally, he said:

\- "Forget it. Try to handle your own shit first. Clearly I'm not the only mess-up here."

Hearing that, Shepard droped her gaze. Suddenly, she became so sad, deep despair in her eyes. Her hands started to shake slightly. For so long, she'd been telling herself that she's fine, that the war is ended as well as her nightmare. She'd been telling herself that she doesn't need anyone in her life and especially not him. For so long she had been pushing the truth away. Not knowing why, James' words made her realise how much she was deceiving herself. And this fact flooded her like a gigantic wave and left her shattered.

\- "James... will you... just please..." - Shepard started saying, her voice trembling.

Vega didn't remember if he'd ever seen her like this. Her mood changed in the blink of an eye. She was just sitting opposite him with pain on her face, barely breathing, her body tensed, looking at the table with dead eyes. Seriously worried about her, he leaned over the table and said carefully, his voice quiet:

\- "Jane...? What do you want me to do?"

Slowly, she raised her eyes and looked at him with sorrow so big it made his heart clenched painfully. Then she said, almost pleading him:

\- "Make love with me James. I miss you... so much..."

In this moment, James was sure he would do everything for her.


	7. Just you and me

There is something unspeakably beautiful of two naked bodies tied together on the bed. When they sit there, chest to chest, legs and arms laced, they aren't able to hide anything from each other. When you are so exposed, you can't lie or deceive - your feelings and worries are so easy to read. Gestures, expressions and body language are clearly visible, not obsured by any clothes. That's why they have to trust each other - trust that they'll keep the other one's body safe. They are so vulnerable when naked, after all. So easy to harm. It needs courage and trust to confide your body to the other person.

Trust... They probably aren't even conscious they trust each other. They would have trouble admiting that, that's for sure. They'd never think they can still confide in someone after what happened to them. After all this pain and suffering and lost. Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out. But here they are, both with ragged breathings and swollen lips, touching each other with tender. So maybe it just needs the right person who you can feel safe with, the person who won't judge you no matter how broken you are.

All the things they couldn't put into words, all the things they were afraid to confess, are now loud in every gesture, touch and look. They can't stop their hands from caressing the other's skin, their lips from kissing and their eyes from revealing what they truly think. After all this time they were apart, they can't hold back anymore - that's too difficult.

Their sex is different now. Definitely not what they are used to - what they thought they like the most. On the Normandy their sex was usually quick, violent and dirty. Full of swearing and rough thrusts. Hidden in the darkest corner of the ship. Back then, sex wasn't for showing affection or support. It had nothing to do with slow lovemaking. Mostly, anyway. Usually they were using sex for forgeting about the pain, for venting and relief. Even if it helped for a quick moment. 

Now, they are truly lost in each other. They discover newly what sex can feel like - focusing on each other pleasure, not fast orgasm. 

Shepard. She would never admit how much all of it means for her - the fact that she was there with him, kissing him and being... gentle. Tender. Hiding in his arms from the whole worlds and her demons. Shepard would never admit she needed that. Craved for. She was unbreakable after all, wasn't she? She would handle everything, most of all her own head. Her skills, talents, experience, trainings, sharp tongue, quick mind, and courage - all of it made her a weapon and weapon doesn't cry. Doesn't feel. Doesn't care. It's just a tool for killing. Reliable, tough and effective but just a tool, nothing more. So why did she feel as though her heart may explode because of all these feelings? Why did she feel so good? 

Shepard wasn't even aware that she can be like that - traits like being gentle, sensitive and caring were never part of her personality. Mostly, she was just rude. Proud of her clapbacks and no fuck given. Tough in hard moments when everybody gives up. She was a storm - sudden, powerful, violent, devastating and utterly magnificent. But he awoke something in her. He helped her realise that deep in her heart she needs it - his affection and his care. All of him. Even his eyes - eyes which look at her like there was something in her worth looking at. She needs it even though she has problem accepting this fact.

So even though in fight they're lethal, around each other they melt.


End file.
